What is wrong with me??

To say that I have been stressed over the last six months is an understatement. But now that the wedding is over and things are calming down, I still have what I feel is an unhealthy level of anxiety. I am not unhappy. Actually, it’s the exact opposite. I feel like things are finally in order in my life. I am finally married to a wonderful man, have a beautiful daughter, a good home, a job that pays the bills….so what the hell is wrong with me? It’s strange. I feel like any little thing can send me over the edge. Small issues feel like the end of the world. It’s just not a good way to feel. I worry and stress and worry some more. Every.Single.Day.

I have had this feeling before. And it didn’t end up good. I let it go on too long and went into a full blown depression, missed a month of work, the whole deal.
I don’t want to go through that again. I guess its time to make a doctors appointment and get on some type of medication for a while. At least until I feel like I am balanced out again. I hate staying on that type of medication for extended periods of time, but something has to give here.

Sorry for the depressing post, but I had to get that out.

Back to the Real World

Yup, its true. The wedding is over and it is back to reality for me. Its kind of sad in a way. Don’t get me wrong. Im glad that all of the planning and stress is over. But all that work for a few hours and then its OVER. Just like that. The wedding went great. Even though the florist messed up my flowers, the DJ messed up my music and my flower girl and the groom’s mom and sister arrived….about 5 minutes before the ceremony started. It was STILL perfect. So, lets explore these disasters one at a time shall we?

After a wonderful morning of pastries and champagne at the salon, my mom and I headed over to the florist to pick up my flowers. We actually were supposed to do that on the way to the venue a little later, but I insisted that we go pick up the flowers right then. THANK GOD we did that. I had a total of five bridesmaids. There were only 3 bouquets. There was only one boutinerre for the 2 dads that were there. So, I attempted to stay calm as I dug through my purse for my original receipt. She really didn’t give me a hard time, but it took her over an hour to make the additional bouquets. And an hour on your wedding day is a LOT of time. But it got done. And the flowers were beautiful.

The DJ just totally screwed up my music. No other way around it. My bridesmaids were supposed to walk in to one song and I was supposed to walk in to Ave Maria (the Beyonce version). Well…He played that song for everyone to walk in to. Not really a disaster though. But THEN, when he was announcing everyone after we had done pictures, he called my mom David (Her name is DAWN!!) LOL. And then, he played the wrong song for the Father/Daughter dance. Ugh. Oh well. Those little things were overlooked because I was caught up in the fact that I had just gotten married to the most wonderful man in the world.

The groom’s mom and sister and niece (my flower girl) were supposed to be there at 3:00 since the wedding started at 4:30. They arrived at 4:25. I was panicking. Apparently they got caught by a train and got lost. But that worked out too.

Its amazing how all the little details that you stress about before the wedding, really aren’t that important on the actual day of the big event. I didn’t even think twice about all of the little favor boxes that we spent hours tying ribbon to. I have come to realize that I have the best family in the world. Even if they are all bat shit crazy, they love me to pieces and would do anything for me and for that I am so thankful.

I am still waiting for the professional pictures to come in. It should be sometime this week. She did send me a sneak peek though. Here is the only picture I have back so far from her

Here are a few of my favorites that I stole from people's Facebook pages

My baby brother and my niece

Me and my little angel!

Dancing with my nephew

The wedding party. Some of my favorite people in the world

I am at a loss

When I started planning our wedding Baby Bug was about 9 months old. I had visions of her dressed in her super cute little gown walking down the aisle in front of me and tossing her rose petals out of her basket while all of my guests oooed and ahhhhed over how well behaved and beautiful she was.

Ummm…NOT so much. I think we will be lucky if I don’t end up carrying her down myself while she screams “NO!!! MY MOMMY” at anyone who even looks my way.
I already have my dad and my step dad both walking me down. Add a screaming 17 month old to the picture and it will be a far cry from how I am imagining things.

I thought about decorating a wagon in white linen and tulle and having my flower girl pull her down. But there is a whole other set of nightmares that go along with that option too. What if she decides to stand up in the wagon and wants to get out half way down?? Then what?? Bug’s cousin (my other flower girl) would not know what to do. She is so the little momma, so I can just see her stopping and trying to reason with her to get back in the wagon and why its important…..

I guess I am just going to have to see how the day goes and decide what to do depending on how she is acting because, unfortunately, I cannot predict the future.

Someone tell me again why I did not get married BEFORE I had a baby!!

Today sucked...

My fiance got a message at about 2:30 this morning that his grandma passed away. It really wasn't too much of a surprise. We knew she didn't have much time. But its still so sad.

She lives in NC and we are in Florida, but we made sure to go visit her every time we went to up. She was probably one of the sweetest ladies I ever had the pleasure of meeting and I am so sad that Baby Bug wont have memories of her.

It really sucks because even though we are only a week away from being married, I don't get any time off so that I can go with him to the funeral in NC. I hate that I am not able to go stand beside him and support him during this time. When my grandpa passed away a couple years ago, he did not leave my side for a minute. I had a really hard time and I couldn't have done it without him. He was my rock. All I want to do is be able to be there for him.

I technically could take the rest of the week off and use up ALL of the time that I off for the wedding. And that is just not an option. I hope that doesn't sound terribly selfish because I am having a hard time with it right now. But I know he does not want me to do that.

So right now we are still trying to decide how we are going to get him up there without over spending since a lot of our money is tied up in this wedding. I'm sure all of it will work out and will be fine. At least that is what I am praying will happen.

Rest in Peace Grandma B. I only had the pleasure of knowing you for about 5 years and I wish that Brianna and I had more time to get to know you. But I know you are finally not suffering and are in a better place.

15 More Days!!

That is IT. Fifteen more days and I will be married!! I am so excited. And stressed.
I expected this whole wedding planning business to be stressful. But there are still moments when I sit back and wonder why I got myself into this. Eloping suddenly seems like it would have been so much easier. And Otis agrees. He really did not want to have a wedding. He would much rather have just gone and done it and been through with it. But as he always does, he told me to do whatever would make me happy. I think he will seriously put some thought into it before he ever says that to me again.....

But, there are some good things about this whole wedding gig. It made me realize that I have some of the BEST girlfriends in the whole world. There are a few in particular that I could not have gotten this far without. Especially at this point in the process. It is soooo close and every day brings a new challenge to say the least. They have been there day and night anytime I need to talk, cry, and/or scream. Or when I need to endlessly ramble about songs, flowers, and who is mad at me this week. Because trust me, I have managed to piss a few people off without even meaning to. I have come to understand that no matter how hard you try, there is absolutely NO way to make everyone happy.

Its too late to turn back now, so we are full steam ahead. Baby Bug's dress came in the other day. It is probably the most adorable thing I have ever seen. I am so excited about the photo ops of her in that dress.

But most of all, I am excited about finally being married to the man of my dreams. I have no hesitation or stress about that at all. He is my best friend and I am so excited to stand up in front of our family and friends and promise to stand by him forever. He on the other hand, in his true comedic fashion, continues to tell me that he will be at the courthouse waiting for me.

That would not be a good idea if he values his life.



Here is a picture of Bug's dress!!

My Introduction Speech

I have actually been blogging for some time now and really have not had any followers. Which has been fine with me to be honest. I have used this as a place to escape to talk as much or as little as I want. And most of all, when I am having an internal battle with myself, which happens often, putting everything down in writing seems to help me sort it all out. And I also have not told anyone in real life about this blog. I'm not ready for people that I know to read my thoughts yet. And I do not want to have to censor what I say. Not here!

Now as you are all reading the above statements, you are probably thinking to yourself, “She says she has had this blog for a long time but this is the first post?? WTF??”
My wonderful daughter hit one button, YES ONE, on my laptop the other day and deleted everything. I did not even know that was possible. So I decided to just start all over and just make a whole new blog. Maybe my blog name sucked before (which I am pretty sure it still sucks but I am sort of unoriginal at times) and thats why I didn't have any followers. Because I am hilarious. You people should be tuning in every day to read what I have to say. I kid, I joke. I do aspire to be one of those bloggers that people anxiously visit as part of their daily routine. I know I have a few that I MUST visit daily. Sometimes they come through with a post that literally has me sitting at my desk trying hard not to burst out laughing (again, an example of how hard I work). I will definitely make sure none of my bosses ever find out about this blog.

So I guess I should take this time to reintroduce myself just in case I actually get someone following my blog one day. I am a 28 year old, slightly unstable (aren't we all??) woman. I am engaged to the most amazing, caring and hilarious man in the whole world. We have a 17 month old daughter together. For the purposes of privacy and to protect her from all the crazies out there, we will just refer to her as Baby Bug. She is the center of my world and my life changed in the most amazing way on April 21, 2008. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love this little girl. She is the perfect mixture of her daddy and me. She has his sense of humor and his love of art (If you consider drawing all over everything I own with a green crayon art). But God help us all, the child has my attitude. She takes no shit off of anyone and if looks could kill, I’m pretty sure her daddy and I would be laying somewhere on the ground dead. But she also has this sweet side. And this sweet side is what makes my heart swell on a daily basis. When you walk into her room in the morning and she pops her little head up and say “HI MOMMY”, grabs your face and kisses you right on the mouth…there is nothing in the world that can top that.
Okay. I will stop rambling about my child now. Trust me, you will hear plenty about her in the day, months, and hopefully years to come.
One more important tidbit for you all to know…I mentioned before that I had a FIANCE. Well, that will only be the case for another 16 days. Because ladies and gentlemen, we are FINALLY getting married. Its been a long time coming and it probably would have happened sooner, but I really did not want to get married while I was pregnant. And then after Bug got here…..we couldn’t afford it!! Who knew those little turkeys were so expensive?!?!

My point is, occasionally in the next couple of weeks, you may visit my blog to realize I have officially morphed into Bridezilla, but please know, I am normally a semi sane person and the craziness will only last a little while!

I think thats all I have time for right now guys. I am actually at work and should be doing...umm...actual work..but this is SOOOO much more fun.

And just because she is so adorable, I am including a picture of Baby Bug for your enjoyment!